Who IS John Malt, Anyway?
by Toni-Sama
Summary: Evangelion/Slayers crossover, featuring my Omake theatres at the end of the chapters. Forgive the HTML tags, my computer sucks.
1. Chapter 1: Where The Whole Thing Began

Who IS John Malt, Anyway?  
  
A story of "lemonish" ideas and nothing bad...yet  
  
Written by:  
Toni-Sama ¤_¤  
Disclaimer: All characters © their respective owners. I own all generic peasants, shopkeepers, etc., As well as the Man in Black. Nothing else.  
  
Chapter 1.  
  
As is the case in most stories, it was a stormy night. The salesman had just finished cleaning up, and was about to close his shop, when He walked in. He was wearing the traditional black cloak, boots, and pants, bot his doublet was made of another material, almost like silk. It was also emblazoned with a motto of some kind, "Who is John Malt?" The shop keeper looked at him first with trepidation, then with anger.  
br"What are you doing in here! We're closed!"/br  
brThe man in black looked at him, smiling softly./br  
br"You have something I desire...a book"/br  
brThe seller grew fearful./br  
br"But how did you-"/br  
br"I know many things, most of which are forbidden...but I need the book. Sell it to me, or take the 'consequences'... "/br  
br"okay, okay...just don't hurt me!"/br  
brThe man in black smiled./br  
br"Hurry up."/br  
  
  
brMeanwhile, in another place and time:/br  
  
brThe young redhead and her bodyguard were running through the streets, actively pursued by a large mob wielding clubs, swords, and various other sharp and pointy things.  
The large blond spoke first./br  
br"uh...Lina? Maybe you shouldn't have tried to show off in the middle of a large town..."/br  
br"Shut up, Gourry! It's not like we DIDN'T need the money, or anything!"/br  
br"But did you have to blow up the town center?"/br  
br"Shut up, Yogurt brains!"/br  
br"Wanna taste?"/br  
br"Baka!"/br  
brThe two continue to run, until a large blue hole comes up behind them. They never notice it. Neither do the townsfolk, who hit the back of it, smashing themselves beyond recognition./br  
  
brYet again, in another place and time:/br  
  
brAnother young redhead was busy punishing her counterpart./br  
br"You Dummkopf! How many times must I tell you?!"/br  
brThe young man cowered in the corner./br  
br"Please, Asuka. I tried not to. Don't hurt me!"/br  
brThe german looked at him, disgustedly./br  
br"You're not worth hurting, you sniveling coward."/br  
brAs she turned to pick up the remains of her favorite sweater from the dryer, an ominous blue light engulfed them. No one heard their shrieks for help, and they blacked out, only to awaken in another place. Shinji looked around, then found he was wearing his clothes, for once. Asuka was next to him, and he began to wonder. As he reached for her, she spoke./br  
br"Don't even try it, dummkopf"/br  
brShinji blushed bright for a few seconds, then stood up and looked around./br  
  
  
brEnd Chapter 1./br  
  
  
brSide story: for thanks./br  
  
br (Brian is sitting on the couch, watching the End of Evangelion bootleg.)/br  
br(doorbell rings) /br  
brDoorbell: Ding Dong!/br  
brB: I wonder who that is?/br  
br(B. opens the door)/br  
brAll: Surprise!/br  
br(outside his door, Washu, Ryoko, 5 Catgirls, Asuka, and all the ladies from Love Hina)/br  
brWashu: are you Beanster the Terrible?/br  
brB. (Strikes a pose) Why, yes I am!/br  
brWashu: (to others) Get Him!/br  
br(all the girls pour through the door, tackling him to the ground)/br  
brNaru: I wanna be in your next fic!/br  
brRyoko: No, it'll be me!/br  
brCatgirl 1: What about me, B.? Don't you love me?/br  
brCatgirl 3: I know! I'll sleep with B if he puts me in his next fic!/br  
brAll: I will! B, Sleep with us!/br  
brB. (grins devilishly) Auditions for the next fic start in 5 minutes!/br  
brAll: Yaay!/br  
  
br(insert Lemony scene here)/br  
  
brTo B./br  
brDomo Arigato!!/br 


	2. Chapter 2: Bright Lights and Mud Fights!

brChapter the Second: Bright Lights and Mud-Fights/br  
  
brDisclaimer: All characters belong to their respective creators/owners. I don't own any of them, unless I created them (see the Man in Black, for example)./br  
  
brPart 1. After The Fall/br  
  
brShinji looked around slowly, his eyes already adjusting to the brighter sunlight, his lungs to the cleaner air. Then, he saw them./br  
  
brA blond man. A very LARGE blond man./br  
  
brAnd his daughter. A redhead./br  
  
brShinji's nose started to bleed. As attracted as he was to Asuka (because Rei was an emotionless clone-thingie), the new girl was beginning to arouse him./br  
  
br*CLONK*/br  
  
br"Shinji, you hentai! What are you thinking?!"/br  
brAsuka screamed at him. She was irritated at him (and slightly jealous), and got up./br  
br"Now, what were you looking at, you baka?"/br  
brShinji pointed. Asuka looked./br  
  
brMeanwhile.../br  
  
brLina stirred slightly. Her head hurt, and she still wondered what the hell had just happened./br brShe opened her eyes, and looked over at Gourry. He didn't seem to be moving, so she pcrawled over to him, and began to shake him./br  
  
br"Gourry...get up. Please get up." She cried, over his body. A pair of large arms reached up, and wrapped around her. /br  
br"It's okay, Lina..I'm not dead."/br  
br"BAKA!"/br  
brShe smashed him with a fire spell. He charred slightly, coughing soon afterwards./br  
  
brShe got up, and noticed the other two young children across the field. Waving happily, she walked over to them./br  
  
br"Hi, I'm Lina, and that's my bodyguard, Gourry. Who are you?"/br  
  
brThe other redhead stepped forward, offering her hand. /br  
  
br"I'm Asuka, and this is my partner, Shinji."/br  
  
brShe turned to him, scowling./br  
br"Say hello, baka!"/br  
  
brThe young boy stood up./br  
br"Hello"/br  
  
brLina shook both hands, and then started talking again./br  
br"Well, we're both-"/br  
brAsuka interrupted her./br  
  
br"Well, seeing as how we both seem to have been transported here, we need to find a way home. Seeing as how we don't know what's around the area, I suggest we team up, and maybe we'll find some clues as to how to get home. Sound good?"/br  
  
brLina just stared at her, slightly angered./br  
  
brSome Time Later.../br  
  
brAs the foursome began walking, the trail had become more difficult. Now, even the most harmless of steps could lead them into a deep pit, or a mucky swamp, or some other habrard. As Lina pressed forward, suddenly Asuka pushed ahead, causing Lina to mis-step. The magician fell toward a large mud pit, and grabbed out to stop herself./br  
  
brShe grabbed the pants of a very surprised Asuka, who turned around just in time to meet the mud face-first. /br  
  
brBoth girls sat up immediately, looking at each other with hatred in their eyes./br  
  
br"You did that on purpose!"/br  
br"You pulled me in!"/br  
br"You pushed me!"/br  
  
brAsuka slapped Lina!/br  
brLina slapped Asuka!/br  
brThe fight was on./br  
  
brEnd Part 2/br  
  
brHey kids! Time for.....OMAKE THEATRE!/br  
br*insert lousy trumpet fanfare here*/br  
brToday, we're going to pay a visit to Brian, AKA Beanster the Terrible, yet again!/br  
br*more lousy trumpet*  
  
br(Brian is at his house yet again, watching hentai)/br  
brDoorbell: Ding!/br  
brBrian: I wonder who that could be...  
br(Brian opens the door)/br  
brTony: Hey, man./br  
brBrian: What's up, Tony./br  
brTony: I brought you somethin'./br  
br(Tony is holding a rope.)/br  
br(hands it to Brian.)/br  
brTony:go on, man...pull it!/br  
br(Tony runs off.)/br  
brBrian: I wonder.../br  
br(pulls the line)/br  
br(a catgirl comes around the corner.)/br  
brBrian: oh man, oh man, oh MAN!/br  
br(pulls the catgirl over to his house, brings her indoors.)/br  
brBrian: Hey, babe!/br  
brCatgirl: Hello, Brian. Wanna play a game?/br  
brBrian: (strikes a pose) Sure!/br  
brCatgirl: (seductively) Okay...now, I need some colored pencils, and a bottle of superglue./br  
br(Brian runs off to get them, returns a few seconds later)/br  
brBrian: Here ya go!/br  
brCatgirl: Now, close your eyes...(gets on her knees)/br  
br(Brian shuts his eyes quickly, feels his fly getting pulled down)/br  
brBrian: (thinking) ohboyohboyohboy!/br  
br(Brian suddenly feels something iwrong/i down there./br  
brBrian: what the hell?/br  
br(Brian looks down)/br  
br(Brian's genitalia have been superglued to his leg. The Catgirl is gone, along with some colored pencils)/br  
brBrian: AAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!/br  
  
brEnd omake./br 


	3. Chapter 3: Fear and Loathing in Lost Age...

brChapter 3: Fear And Loathing in Lost Ages/br  
br(not a place, but a time out of mind)/br  
  
brDisclaimer: I own EXACTLY one of these characters, namely the Man In Black. All others are owned by various people, and are not mine. As stated previously, all characters are © their respective owners, which is NOT me./br  
  
brShinji stood next to Gourry, "bigsweating" heavily. The two redheads were busy going at it, trying to settle who caused the mess they were both, literally, in. Both were, by this point, covered in mud, missing various pieces of clothing, which left very little to the imagination. Gourry was standing there, patiently waiting for Lina to win, so that he could continue to find a way home with her. /br  
  
br"Die, you pompous twit!"/br  
br"After you,snobby bitch!"/br  
  
brShinji thought to himself "Thank God Kensuke isn't here..."/br  
  
brAnd the fight raged on./br  
  
brSome hours later, after much slinging of mud and clothing, Gourry managed to separate them, whilst Shinji gathered clothes. After his encounter with Rei, it didn't seem so bad./br  
  
brAnother few hours later.../br  
Lina and gourry sat on one side of the fire, while Asuka and Shinji sat on the other. Both ladies were wrapped in some towels, and their clothes were drying a few meters away. Both girls still had hatred in their eyes, but the sheer anger and rage that had been there was gone./br  
brShinji spoke first./br  
br"So, Lina, what were you doing at the time you got transported?"/br  
brGourry spoke first./br  
br"We were trying to get away from-"/br  
brLina smacked him, then started over speaking./br  
br"We were trying to get to somewhere to sleep for the night, and we found we had no money. I began to perform for the locals, trying to raise some money, and then we were whooshed away to here." she finished lightly./br  
br"Oh" Shinji said./br  
br"So, what about you? Why are you two here?" The magical redhead asked./br  
brShinji replied "well, we were-"/br  
brAsuka cut him off./br  
br"We were fighting, and suddenly everything went dark. We woke up here." She said bluntly./br  
brLina looked at her./br  
brAsuka looked at Lina./br  
brShinji looked at Gourry./br  
brGourry was asleep./br  
brSuddenly, our intrepid group of adventurers hears a strange noise./br  
br"What was that?" asked Shinji/br  
br"Hell if I know, baka!" exclaimed Asuka./br  
br"GOURRY!!!" Lina yelled./br  
brSuddenly, something pounced out of the woods./br  
br"AAH!!!!"/br  
  
brEnd Chapter Three/br  
  
brBONUS OMAKE THEATRE!/br  
  
brWelcome to Omake Theatre, the humorous, revengeful part of this fanfic./br  
brToday's Episode:/br  
brLove Bean-a/br  
brPoor Beanster...he's not been getting much, since the first installment of this fic. Let's help him out a bit.../br  
br(Brian is at his desk, thinking up something to draw)/br  
brBrian:Man...I am sooooo WASTED after that orgy...what a night!/br  
br(Suddenly, the ominous e-mail icon starts flashing)/br  
brBrian:Hmm...wonder what that is? (clicks it)/br  
brVoice:Welcome to Hell! You've got mail!/br  
brBrian:hmm...what is this? I now own Baka house? Yee-hah!/br   
brNarrator:And so he left all his family and friends behind, and moved to Japan, to inherit Baka house, an all female college housing complex. But, things weren't as rosy as they first appeared.../br  
brNaru:Clean the house, slave!/br  
brBrian:I'm no slave...I'm Beanster, Master of this house! And you must be my sex-starved maid, ne?/br  
br(Naru smacks the living hell out of him)/br  
brBrian:Wah!/br  
brNarrator:So, Brian began his stint in what was detineed to become one of the strangest and oddly most satisfying jobs of his life./br  
brBrian:Oh, yeah, baby...Take it all!/br  
br(Brian playing a video game, just about to win)/br  
brGame: Take that, Baka!/br  
br(Brian instantly loses, and his memory card formats)/br  
brBrian:Damn!/br  
br(He hears a noise from outside)/br  
brBrian:hmm..wonder what that is?/br  
br(he climbs out onto a nearby tree, sees the girls from the house in the hot spring)/br  
brBrian: ooh, baby! (unfastens his pants) (drops them)/br  
brBrian:Dammit.../br  
br(hears the tree begin to break)/br  
brBrian:Mommie...(The tree falls into the girls' bath)/br  
brAll:AAAAAH!!!!!/br  
br(all the girls look at him)/br  
brNaru:Wow...quite a piece you're packing, baka...care to show us how you use it?/br  
br(Brian grins) Sure, baby! (exposes himself)/br  
br(Motoko smacks him, hard)/br  
brMotoko:Not that, fool! The Tree! Show us how you survived!/br  
brNarrator:And so, Brian was forced to demonstrate his prowess at surviving great falls, and other things, and was always used for the girls at Baka house for training, among other things...which will come as soon as FF.net allows posting of lemonish content./br  
  
brUntil then, Adios!/br 


End file.
